Lo, I ventured forth this day to go on a date with a gentleman (I am being generous with the use of this word). The matter of fifty-fifty did arise between us. I said, “My good sir, I am well content with such an arrangement.” At this, he broke into a grin so vast and proud, you’d think he had just drawn up the blueprints for world peace.
Then I asked, “How do you see a perfectly equal arrangement working?”
“I just mean grown-up stuff like rent, expenses, dates, and holidays,” he replied.
“Wonderful,” I replied. “On these matters, I too can partake equally. Just one more thing, since we have agreed to split the expenses for housing and travel, shall we now now address the question of starting a family.”
The man blinked with the vacant, wide-eyed confusion of a lost sheep.
I continued, “Look, if I’m going to be pregnant for nine months, with my ankles blowing up like balloons, my blood pressure spiking, gestational diabetes constantly threatening me, not to mention the risk of preeclampsia or a life-threatening hemorrhage, then I can’t keep working the same as before and still expect to pull off fifty-fifty. So here’s the plan: we hire a surrogate, and we split the cost fifty-fifty. Same goes for the medical bills, plus a nanny and a chef. All of that gets included in the bills. Because if I weren’t dealing with pregnancy, breastfeeding, and maternity leave, nothing would interrupt my work, and I’d be able to hold up my end of fifty-fifty just fine.”
I whipped out a printed sheet of paper with this table:
| Area of Life | What Pregnancy Interrupts for Me (Pregnant Partner) | What Pregnancy Interrupts for You (Non-Pregnant Partner) |
|---|---|---|
| Paid employment | Yes – reduced hours, maternity leave, inability to work during complications | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Career advancement | Yes – delayed promotions, missed projects | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Physical ability | Yes – limited mobility, cannot lift, fatigue, swelling, pain | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Sleep | Yes – disrupted by discomfort, frequent urination, later by infant feeding | No – unless he chooses to help |
| Diet & alcohol | Yes – restrictions (sushi, deli meat, soft cheese, alcohol, caffeine limits) | No – eats and drinks freely |
| Medications | Yes – doctors forbid many drugs (painkillers, acne meds, some antidepressants) | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Exercise | Yes – modified or prohibited (high-impact, contact sports, heavy weights) | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Travel | Yes – restricted after certain weeks, airlines may refuse late-term | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Social life | Yes – skipping events due to exhaustion, nausea, or high risk of illness | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Clothing | Yes – entire wardrobe replaced multiple times | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Medical appointments | Yes – dozens of prenatal visits, blood draws, ultrasounds | No – optional attendance only |
| Invasive procedures | Yes – vaginal exams, amniocentesis, IVs, epidural, C-section | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Pain & recovery | Yes – labor pain, tearing, C-section recovery, postpartum bleeding, uterine cramping | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
| Breastfeeding | Yes – exclusive physical demand (engorgement, mastitis, nipple pain, pumping at work) | No – cannot lactate |
| Mental load | Yes – tracking fetal movement, diet, symptoms, birth plan, childcare logistics | No – unless he takes initiative |
| Risk of death or permanent injury | Yes – maternal mortality, preeclampsia, hemorrhage, stroke, organ damage | No – statistically negligible |
| Body permanence | Yes – stretch marks, diastasis recti, pelvic floor dysfunction, hair loss, tooth damage | No – pregnancy does not interrupt this |
He got upset, and I simply reminded him that fifty-fifty means splitting things right down the middle. Good sir… is this not the equality you so passionately desired?