-
- He was bored.
- He was lonely.
- For his own pleasure.
- He was working on an art project and accidentally created humans.
- He created a virtual world that became sentient. He is just a super cool programmer.
- He wanted to make the angels jealous because they were starting the misbehave and feel entitled.
- He made a bet with his sister on who could create the better universe. He had made landscape only and his sister had people and animals. He then stole the people and animals from his sister’s universe and presented it to his parent. His parent was so impressed that he/she breathed life into the universe, added to his landscape and voila, we came into being.
- He created one toy, fell in love with it and decided to give it friends.
- He needed a way to exercise his savagery.
- He was expressing himself artistically so that he could prove himself to his overbearing parent and overachieving siblings. He finally got the approval he wanted from his parent as he turned his creation into his worshipers which were the ultimate goal.
- Jesus had become an obstinate kid and so God had to create people and a whole narrative spanning millennia that would eventually lead to Jesus’ punishment. While Jesus was enjoying thinking he had been forgiven, he was sent to earth and brutally killed then resurrected. He has learned his lesson and has behaved since then.
- Perhaps I should stop speculating and ask the doctor, she would definitely have an answer for me, but first, I should consult the Dalek database.
A dozen stupid cats
It was quite a beautiful view. The cold was a bit much but the view more than made up for it. I was on holiday and decided to go mountain climbing, do something out of my comfort zone so I can stop feeling like a piece of shit and it totally worked. After climbing the mountain, I really felt like I could conquer the whole world.
I decided to take a short break so that I could enjoy the view and take some really cool pictures that I would never stop talking about and eventually drive my family crazy about it that they all stop talking to me. While enjoying my break, I heard a meow. Then another meow and another one and another one. Now I was getting really concerned. I started walking towards the meows.
I found the meows behind a cliff. It was a dozen cats and they all looked like they were in tremendous pain. I had no idea what I should do. I put down my bag and looked for my cat translator so that we could understand each other. Bingo, I found the translator.
I then asked the cats what exactly was going on and here is what they told me.
“We had been invited to this party by this rat that we had been friends with for a while. He had gotten a new job and wanted to celebrate his new found source of wealth. When we got there, we were treated to some really sweet cocktails of which he refused to give us the recipe. That did not stop us from drinking. We weren’t getting high fast enough so we decided to pop some pills given to us by our dear rat friend. The pills definitely worked. We were on cloud nine, totally euphoric and feeling like we can conquer the world. We were so so high that we did not notice when all the doors got shut and nobody else was left in the room except us and the rat. At this point, the rat was looking very very handsome. Well, we woke up in the morning in our houses wondering how we got there but we were just happy to be there. After one month, we all start feeling a little sick. We go to the hospital to get tested. They find out that we are all pregnant. We do an ultrasound and we are all pregnant with a hybrid of a cat and a rat. We left the hospital and headed to the rat’s house while very angry. When we explained to him what was going on in our bodies, he put us into a jet and dropped us here to die. ”
That was a very shitty situation. At that moment, I realized what my destiny was. I am here to save these stupid cats that were raped by a rat and are probably pregnant with monsters. Let’s face, a cat and a rat together is definitely not a pretty sight. How will they explain to their children that their dad is a rat and that they cannot eat him??
I called Kyllan, gave him my location and had him show up with my helicopter to carry those cats to safety. As usual, my lovely Kyllan showed up in time, did some first aid on the dozen morons and we left the mountain and headed home. I nursed the cats, despite having no skills at this, until they gave birth and after seeing how ugly their babies were, they decided to eat them.
Meanwhile, Kyllan searched everywhere for the rapist rat and when he found the rat, he arrested him and gave him to the cats to decide what to do with him.
One week later, all those cats had fallen victim to the rat’s charms again and married him. The fucking rat had 12 wife cats and they even invited me to the wedding and told me I could bring other humans. Well, I hope they will live happily ever after.
I almost killed Adolh Fitler
I met this guy who offered me a great deal of money. I was to go back in the past and kill Adolh Fitler. How could I say no? he paid up front and I could not say no to meeting Fitler. I had Kyllan procure me a time machine. What would I do without him? He is the best robot ever. I set the machine to 1940 and Kyllan and I got into his time machine. I pressed a red button and there I was in Adolh’s office with my magnificent robot behind me.
I, unfortunately, found him in his office and before I could make any movement, he started shooting at me. Kyllan’s primary job is to make sure that I am safe from any harm and so he, in a split second, stood in front of me and took all the bullets. He stopped shooting when he noticed that I was not firing back. He stood up and asked me who I was. I told him my name. I explained that I was from the future and that is why my clothes looked a little bit strange and not in fashion.
“…..now Adolh, you are quite the very handsome man. You have excellent bone structure. I am finding it hard not to stare at you. You know, I was sent here to kill you, end your life just like that by putting a bullet in your skull. Some really weird old man who is almost senile sent me here to end you but we can talk about that later. I have to say, you look more handsome than your pictures. I cannot stop staring at you. There is something about your face that just makes my loins frothy. I am already a big fan of yours. You see, you have the most beautiful nose that I have ever seen. It totally stands out and unlike all the other human beings; the complexion of your nose is very different from the complexion of the rest of your body. You have a black nose and a white body. That is what I like to call a piece of art. You know the phrase that says God created us in his own image? It totally refers to you. Look at you, you are a Greek god. You are Zeus. You are my Zeus. You, your black nose and I will have very beautiful children with black noses and white bodies. It is illegal to have such a beautiful nose, a nose like no other.”
I had to clear my throat.
“I will now give you my gun, my other gun, my other gun, my knife, my grenade, my sword …. and ….. yeah, that’s it, you have all my weapons now. I am very harmless now. I am doing this as a sign of good faith hoping that you will also like my nose and offer me a nose ring. I could give you my pinky too but if I cut them off, I will bleed to death and die. I kill people with these two fantastic twins, my index finger and my middle finger. They are quite useful. Look, they can turn metallic spikes. I call them Squiddly and Diddly. Okay, I’m done talking now….”
It was then that Adolh walked towards me and started singing,
“Hello, is it me you are looking for.
I can see it in your smile…
You are all I’ve ever wanted…..
And my arms are open wide….
Cause you know just what to say…
And you know just what to do….
And I want to tell you so much….
I love you….”
Oh my goodness, Lionel Ritchie must have stolen those words from you.
Adolh and I are happily married with ten babies. He took my name to avoid being found by any other assassins from the future. I still live in the past and I refuse to change my wardrobe. Adolh likes my wardrobe and that is all that matters. Kyllan is still with us, still takes care of me. Every once in a while, he goes to the future and comes back with my monkey subjects. We decided that we don’t like people.
The brain or the heart?
It was only ever supposed to be just a sex thing, a fling, two adults enjoying each other’s bodies. Nothing more nothing less. When we did it the very first time, I was trying to get rid of all these feelings resulting from my urge to satisfy my sexual impulses. It worked perfectly and in a moment of vulnerability, I asked if we could do that again and he was okay with my idea which in retrospect, I regret saying that. My head wants to end this trysts of ours before my heart gets in too deep. My head stands at the very edge of a deep hole trying to pull out my heart that already slipped and fell into the hole and descending in free fall under the influence of the gravity of his existence. This will end into a tug of war and my head, though rational, is sometimes weaker than the heart.
I go to him on a Friday afternoon, get some alcohol, smoke some tobacco, act like nothing is going on between us because none of our friends know it. We have been extremely discreet so far. I think about his lips, his face, his body. He talks, I can see his lips move but I cannot hear what he is saying, I am memorizing all the details of his face, his nose, his ears, his mouth. He is a beautifully made piece of human being. If he was created by God, he did not hold out anything on this one. If he evolved, then nature must have favored him.
I see him and I feel shivers down my spine. He touches me and my knees suddenly become doughy. I cannot stand anymore. Someone, please pick me up. I cannot stop looking at him. He is a mystery. A mystery that I do not want to solve. There is some sanctitude in what we have and what I feel for him thus solving this mystery will damage irreparably the very delicate temple in my head where I store all my memories and imaginations of us.
We kiss, we have sex but we never talk about it. I wonder whether he likes it or not. In fact, we rarely talk. Does he think of me as much as I think of him? If he does think of me, does he smile? When it is time to sleep, he comes to bed, he doesn’t say anything but we all know what is about to happen. At this point, I am doing back-flips in my head, my heart is racing a little bit, his lips touch mine and for a moment, nothing else exists but he and I. I move my fingers through his rugged hair and wonder what he would look like if he cut it all. I run my fingers down from his temple all the way to his succulent lips. We have a go at it which is always a mind-blowing experience and when he cums, we take a nap or rather he takes a nap. I have my eyes open. I am memorizing all the details of his naked body. I rest on my side with my right leg on top of his as he cuddles me. I notice how our skin tones are quite different. I think about an artist coming in and painting us just as we are so I con something to hold on to in case my memory fades away. He is magnificent.
After the nap, he slowly touches my hand and leads it to his phallus. He is hard again. He kisses me, plays with me a little bit and then asks me to ride him. I can feel him cumming. I sometimes wonder, ‘Does he ever get worried that I may get pregnant??’ even-though I know that I cannot. Will he hold these shenanigans against me if I decide to quit him?? Does he know how happy I am that I get to have sex with him??
If this was meant to only be a sex thing, why do I feel how I feel?? Why does my heart feel smote by him?? Why am I slightly jealous when I hear that he is with another girl?? I want to be selfish with him. I want his lips to be mine and mine alone. This was never supposed to happen. I find myself compartmentalizing him and pretending that he does not exist. Move on with my life without all these annoying feelings.
Please, feel my thoughts deep inside, reach out further and feel what I feel and tell that one thing, just one thing that will make me know whether to embrace these feelings or get rid of them.
Chills , guns and whips
I had my eyebrows threaded today. It was probably the most awesome thing that happened to me today. I was feeling really good while I was being threaded. As my hair was being plucked one by one, all I could feel were chills down my spine. These were the good kind of chills, the ones that you feel when all of a sudden the boy you have been crushing on all your life touches that weak spot of your body. I did not want her to stop; I wanted the plucking to continue. I was deriving enjoyment and satisfaction from those chills. She continued plucking on my orders until she could pluck no more. The plucker had stopped plucking. What the hell was going on? I got angry and wondered why she had stopped plucking. I raised my head and looked at myself in the mirror. There really was nothing to pluck anymore. All my eyebrow hair had vanished and I had this default look of surprise that would remain unchanged indefinitely for quite a long while until I grew back my eyebrow hair. The poor plucker cut a fake mustache into two and stuck them just above my eyes. She was perfect. My new eyebrows were very symmetrical and would make babies cry too. This was just wonderful.
On my way out of the salon, I passed this very hot and sexy police officer. He was too gorgeous. It should be illegal to be a law enforcement officer and look like that. He had a gun on one hand and a whip on the other.… “Oh, police officer. Master, I could not help but notice your weapon that incorporates a metal tube from which bullets are propelled by explosive force. You have a very big gun. I would love for you to shoot me with it. I like big things. I’m sure your bullets are big too. I love me some big bullets. It would be a great honor if you wounded me with one of your big metal projectiles that are fired from your gun. I would love that very much.
Oh, and look at your whip. I have never seen one like this. This is a very thick whip. Please, beat me with it. Beat me with your fat strip of leather and leave a scar. I need that scar so that I can remember you. I hear scars are very sexy nowadays and that is why girls are now paying people to beat them and leave them with scars so that their boyfriends love them which is some really screwed up shit. Scars are saving marriages. Beat me, master, beat a begging girl. I will pay you to beat me. All I want is a bullet and one beating. Give me the chills I have always waited for. You would be happy to know that I am not a minor. Can I kiss you and bite your lip a little? Arrest me, sir, those handcuffs would look so great on me. I am a dangerous criminal. Dangerous criminals should be seized by legal authority and taken into custody. Please be my legal authority. You have to arrest me now and take me to the station for a little bullet and whipping action. So, what do you think officer?”
Coup de theatre
I am driving to my lovely boyfriend’s house right now to surprise him. He is a wee laddie but he does all these things that inspire me and that no other wee laddie can do. He is in a state of altered consciousness induced by narcotics and he needs me to take advantage of him. Something that I really enjoy doing and I do so well. So, I thought I should go see him with my body naked to his invasion. I am not completely unclothed though. I have two pieces of clothing on. I have my trench coat and a beautiful sexy pair of stiletto heels, and kegel balls too, not that I needed them. The physical exertion required by my work kept me fit.
I get to his house, I am aflame with desire, you could tell by my unrestrained excitement. I open his door with the key he gave me. I am looking all spicy as I walk towards his bedroom to surprise him. I tiptoe into his room, trying not to mess up the surprise.
I am always taking advantage of him but none of my exploits have involved nudity. I also think I love this guy and his skin. His skin is as soft as a baby’s caboose. I usually want to eat him. We make quite the spicy couple. He might be the one. He is so beautiful both inside and out. I have already pictured myself with him for the rest of my life. I can see seven cute little babies who all look like me. I bought a family car yesterday. I am off birth control. I am already looking for a family house. I have given him half the wardrobe space in my apartment. We will grow old together, pick apples together and live happily ever after waking up to each other’s faces for all eternity. Eternity is quite a long time, just like I want it to be. We will die together. If one of us dies before the other, the one who stays alive will drink cyanide so we can be together forever.
This is the first time that I was ever surprising him. I was hoping it would be very soulful and amorous. He would immediately fall in love with me after I dropped that trench coat. He has never seen me fully naked. We were creatures of the dark, always doing it in the dark like horny bats. By doing it, I mean cuddling. We were cuddlers. The cuddles were endless with him. I walked into the room and switched on the lights. Oh yeah, the lights were on and there were surprises indeed. Lots of surprises in fact, such as my naked body, the ice on my virgin boyfriend’s broken penis, the pink handcuffs around his wrists, the girl under the bed looking for the cuff keys and the other girl behind me who had gone to fetch more ice from the refrigerator.
Who knew, the ‘surpriser’ became the ‘surprisee’. My poor heart. I will probably just turn into an angry woman who hates all men and wants to kill them.
I kick out the two girls. I then take the boy’s laptop and leave him watching lesbian porn with a gag around his mouth. I am guessing this would definitely be his kind of thing. Resetting my brain on what I thought about him was not that hard. Also, if you are an owner of a broken penis, do not watch anything that will turn you on, broken penises do not react well to that.
The amazing tactile duo
My digital circuits lecturer is really hot. I can’t help it, it is hard not to notice. She has the perfect nose. I particularly love its snub shape. I just can’t stop gazing at it. It is a very attractive nose considering it was natural in a world where everyone has a fake nose. It is refreshing. A young woman with a big brain who is also sexy and has a natural nose are pretty hard to come by. When I start gazing, I usually am in the zone, I don’t even blink, it is like looking at the weeping angels except in this scenario, you are delighted to do it and not scared. She has the perfect brown eyes, beautiful cheeks that show dimples when she smiles and turns purple when she blushes, her teeth are perfectly white, I think her eyebrows are tweezed, they are way too perfect, she has the perfect hairline and she is funny too. She is my only lecturer who does not put me to sleep. Her complexion is almost like the color of that chocolate that I buy every day, the one that is slowly making me start tasting like chocolate. It is specially designed for me.
This woman is God sent. I need to know her name and start attending all of her classes. I should not be taking digital circuits this semester but for her, I will do the stupidest things. I could get her to tutor me. All I need to do is terribly fail in my first test then go crying to her of how I have to do well so that I can make my parents proud of me. I will make myself available anytime for tutoring any time any day. I hope she picks the nights. I do have to make my parents proud of me while I gaze at the beautiful nose in the process.
The tutoring might not really help with my grades, I happen to be good at digital circuits. It just sounds nice to waste my time staring at this creature. A creature that seldom appears in my school. She is a sight for sore eyes. Visual nourishment I guess. There are very few pretty people in my class. I just happen to be one of the pretty ones. I am happy that finally there is one more yum yum lady and she stands in front of me four times a week. She just made school lovable.
I can’t wait for the tutoring to start. I have officially become a tactile learner (only for the tutoring). I am the kind of learner who easily understands with the help of physical contact. I hope this beautiful creature is going to embrace tactile learning. It is after all the only way that I can get A’s in her class and she will be proud of me. She will be proud of her tactile learner and she will get me a present and she will tutor me for the rest of her life as a
lecturer after seeing the importance of touch during the study. She will become my tactile lecturer and we will be the tactile duo.
Kyllan strongly disproves of my tactics and thinks I need to go back to therapy asap.
A little feeling….
Seeing you is always euphoric. You elicit all these feelings in me that I prefer to keep buried deep down where they can never be found. Feelings that occasionally show when I have drowned myself in a bit of alcohol and all the concrete and blocks that make my very highly erected walls shatter into tiny pieces. You send electric shivers down my spine and suddenly everything around me disappears and all I can see is you and you alone, all sound is lost to me and all my senses stop to work except for my eyes. Beauty personified is what you are. I would totally have you before I choose any drugs. Move over alcohol, a new love is in town. My loins get a little frothy and then I remember that I have to practice self-control and not jump on you and probably touch your will and then find a room to go to because both of us will be so horny. I first make a cheeky smile from ear to ear. Then I steal glances because I do not want you to catch me staring. All I can think of is kissing you over and over again and making love in the middle of the night while our friend is blacked out on the floor. We both hope he does not wake up while I am on top of you with my tits bouncing and I try so hard to suppress my moans while hoping that if this ever happens again, I will not have to suppress anything. I get high on the thought of me touching your abs, your hair and you running your fingers down my back.
I don’t even know if this will happen again but I am so happy right because, for the first time after a very long time, I felt something emotional. It’s good to be human again.
Charms that smite the simple heart
Insomnia again. I have gotten so much used to this. I might be starting to love it. There is this little high that you get when you are neither asleep nor awake. Yesterday, I almost got arrested by cops. I was going to spend my first night in jail. I would have written what I was doing but then I might just land myself into trouble in case a little sneaky snitch is reading this. Thanks to my multiple boyfriends, I wasn’t caught.
I have been feeling weird lately. Too weird in fact. A strikingly odd and unusual feeling. I could call myself namby-pamby. This feeling really really sucks. I have been stricken by charms that smite the simple heart.
When I said I wanted a new experience, I was joking. FML:-( It has ambushed me with daggers and spears, poking me from every direction. I feel so confused and attacks. I will die. Not real death, hypothetical death. This feeling is too strange. How do people survive this? It is like a hurricane …worse than a hurricane, extremely
violent with so much fury. I might need divine intervention to snap me out of this. If this is what wusses(I apologize for the use of this word) go through, I pity them. I feel like an insipid weakling who is foolishly sentimental. I need someone to slap me on my right cheek, then I can turn and give them my left cheek for them to slap too and then repeat the process again until I am back to my senses, If a slap doesn’t work, I could use an angry motherfucker. One who will punch the irresoluteness and wishy-washiness out of me.
I really hope this is a less than a 24-hour feeling. How did I start regarding someone with passionate and devoted affection? She technically has crawled into my favor. The one person in the world who can make me do anything without even asking. I have been struck by something overwhelming which is marked by my foolish and unreasoning fondness. I need help.
That was me six hours ago. I’m back to the normal me. I will be doing me from now on. It was good to know I got a heart though. Things like these happen once in a lifetime. Thanks, life, I need no new experiences. I’m kidding, I always kid. Just don’t return that feeling.
BADOING………
Things that make my boobs go BADOING.
1. When my girlfriend bites her lips, BADOING.
2. When we eat bananas, DOUBLE BADOING.
3. When I touch soft skin, BADOING.
4. When my tit is poked in a fraction of a second using the pinky, DOUBLE BADOING.
5. When I lie on my back topless and poke the sides of my boobs and watch them sway back and forth, BADOING.
6. When I rest a bowl of cheese noodles on them, BADOING.
7. When I jump up and down, TRIPLE BADOING.
8. When I spray perfume on them, BADOING.
9. When I prop a book upon them to read, INTELLECTUAL BADOING.
10. When I stare at them, BADOING.
11. When I acknowledge my nipples, BADOING.
12. When I draw circles between each boob and a line in between and put her face on them like they are glasses, BADOING.
13. When I paint my girlfriend’s many faces on them boobies, BADOING.
14. When I fill balloons with water and make them fight to the death with the balloons. The winning boob/balloon gets to be caressed, DOUBLE BADOING SQUARED.
15. When I bounce a yo-yo off them boobies, DOUBLE BADOING.
16. When she licks a lollipop, BADOING.
17. When she winks at me, BADOING.
18. When we hold hands, DOUBLE BADOING.
19. When I watch a horror film, BADOING.
20. When I walk in the rain, BADOING.
21. When my alarm goes off, BADOING.
22. When my song comes on, BADOING.
23. When she is next to me, BADOING.
24. When I walk into the rain, BADOING.
25. When my phone rings and it is you, DOUBLE BADOING.
26. When we poke each other’s noses, BADOING.
27. When you pretend to steal my nipple and I have to chase you to get it back, DOUBLE BADOING BADOING.