Tag: bees

Bee Stings and Stars

We were lying on the rooftop of my loft watching the stars. Kyllan had some lovely stories to tell me, mostly about cloning himself, taking over homo sapiens and being their supreme leader. He seems to be very talkative today and when I mentioned it he told me to cut him some slack because being talkative was part of the many personalities his algorithm has been learning (such a human thing to say). What’s with the world-dominating shit though? Oh no! My robot is an INTJ. Sigh.

Damn, the stars are so beautiful, a great prospect for a relationship. Waking up to the stars every day sounds like heaven except that the stars don’t admire me back. Would be such a one-sided relationship but worth it.

While we were enjoying our villainous chat, I got stung by a bee on my right tit which was exposed for no particular reason. It was bloody painful and we watched as the shitfaced bee died after my sting.

Death for the bee is a penalty that hardly fits the crime. It’s just a sting, Jupiter. They don’t have to pay with their deaths. Such a dick move, Jupiter.

“Take the bee Kyllan. We shall figure out why it died after stinging me then we shall fix that and start breeding bees that die of old age and experience plenty of stinging and I shall be the new god of the bees. I shall have all the honey I want and become the sweetest creature in the universe. We shall then pay a visit to the Roman gods and have the bees sting Jupiter for as long as they want as payback.”

At around midnight, we went to bed. Well, just me. Kyllan the robot spent his time rummaging the internet. He’s been intrigued by pandas lately and he is also looking for an elaborate plan to get me to Titan so that I can toss Ewoks into lakes of methane.

I woke up the next morning with my tit the size of a football. It was bloody heavy. That stupid bee. I got to find bees of the same species and have them sting my other tit and both my ass cheeks [for the sake of symmetry, of course, nothing masochistic happening here]. We do not want to anger the gods of symmetry. Time to find three angry bees. Talk later.

of juicy buttocks

Lately, I have been watching too much television while lying on my couch which has consequently led to the loss of my butt. The two large fleshy masses of muscular tissue that form my rump have been shrinking slowly and now they are almost levelled with my back due to all the lying down. I am about to lose my buttocks. I can no longer laugh my ‘ass’ off. I just laugh my ‘extended back’ off. I am totally scared that they may never get back to normal.

I am about to let you waddle in the muddy pond of my current misfortune. My beautiful butt dimple is gone, never to be seen again. It has turned into a cone-shaped hole. The tip of a pencil would be a perfect fit for the hole. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I lock myself in the house with three padlocks and I am thinking of swallowing the keys and maybe poop them out when the necessity arises. I never open the windows or switch on the lights in my house. It is really stuffy in here.

I have deleted my Facebook account so that I can stop myself from ranting. I will miss having those Facebook rants. One time, a bee stung my nose while I was on my way to a restaurant to meet my girlfriend. She fucking dumped me as soon as she saw the bulbous nose (tuck that superficial bitch) and for a whole month, I dedicated my life to following bees, befriending them, and having dinner with them, I even pretended to be madly in love with one. We had plans to get married as soon as the inter-species marriage is made legal. She had such a magnificent abdomen. As soon as the bee trusts me, I pull out my paralyzing spray, I spray the bee making sure they are conscious but unable to move. I then pull out my bug spray and spray the shit out of the fucking bee until it dies.  I documented all my killings and posted them on Facebook followed by a very long article about how much I hate bees and warning the ones that were alive that I was coming for them. (In retrospect, I should have sent all those bees to go bite my ex-girlfriend first before killing them). My activities would not last long though, I am currently on the run from the World Federation of Bees. The wasps have given me refuge for as long as I want. Anyway, back to my ass……

I called my doctor to come and see me at my house. At first, he did not believe it was me. I looked like shit; red eyes, shaggy hair, bread crumbs all over my tits. I had to convince him it was me. This was pretty easy; I only had to tell him that I have a dimple on my right buttock. He did really love that dimple. He liked to insert his middle finger in that dimple and play around with it and leave some presents in there for me to find later. One time, I found a diamond ring and another I found a puppy. Who knew a puppy could fit in there! I didn’t. So cool.

I had not told him what the problem was on the phone, just in case someone had tapped his phone and was listening to the conversation. I got lots of enemies, you know. They cannot know any bad things that happen to me because if they do, I will react with fire and fury and very bad things will happen and my therapist will not like it, and neither will my preacher. This was a code-red situation and was to be kept top secret. When the doctor got to my place, he hugged me real tight. This hug was a little bit weird because I had already stripped for examination. I turned and showed him my flat buttocks.

I have never seen my doctor that shocked. He wondered what could have totally flattened my buttocks which were once upon a time extremely plump and juicy. He sat down and started sobbing. I quickly put a gag on his mouth before my nosy neighbours heard him and came to see what was happening.

The sobbing doctor was now quiet, thanks to the pink gag over his big mouth. Before you judge, he does enjoy having the pink gag on him. The wonderful doctor composed himself and told me that he could do something to make me regain my juicy buttocks and that they will be juicier than they were before and my dimple will be even more appealing.

The good doctor opened his bag and removed two big syringes with a 2.5 litre capacity and needles from his bag. They looked really big and scary. He told me not to worry. I would not feel any pain as he inserted the humongous needles and emptied the contents of his syringes into my buttocks. He sprayed the surface of my buttocks with something that numbed them. He filled the syringes with mango juice which happens to be my favourite juice. He injected my buttocks full of mango juice. They immediately became big round and juicy. I almost wanted to eat my new mango butt. I have never seen my buttocks that juicy. I love mango juice.

And just like that, I got my very high self-esteem back and walked around town with the bountiest bottom that has never existed before today. This will also make it easier to hunt the bees and obliterate them. They are known to love mango juice. I hate being on the run. Time to get back to work.

P.S …When hunger strikes, I will just insert a straw in my butt cheek and savor the deliciousness of my mango juice.