Therapy was so goooooood today

The first thing I told my absolutely beautiful therapist was that I got drunk on one and a half litres of wine on Saturday, and I picked up my phone and called my dad. I couldn’t wait to tell her I’d forgotten to say hi, and she had to remind me to sit down. I have been no contact with my dad for so long, along with the rest of my family, both nuclear and extended. He was so happy to hear from me and was excited that his daughter was doing well. I also asked him not to tell my mum that I was talking to him again. If anything good came out of the text my “best friend” sent to her boyfriend, it is the fact that I got drunk and wanted to talk to family, and my dad was the first person to come to mind, and the interaction ended up healing me in some way.

I actually love that man (my dad, I mean). I spent so much of my life hating him because of what my mother told me about him. All the evidence I had about the badness of my dad was my mum’s stories. Fuck my mum! She made me think my dad practised witchcraft and was responsible for any misfortune that befell our lovely family. I hope she is doing well; however, she can thrive and do well far, far away from me. The thought of her being part of my life makes my skin crawl.

My sister likely thinks I am suffering and broke, and this kind of makes me want to laugh. Why did she send my friend a message asking whether I can pay my rent, and also asking for a picture of me? Lol! I sent her an email asking her to stop texting my friends and to leave me alone until I am ready to talk to her. This was my message:

I just want to be left alone. So, maybe respect that boundary until I am ready to speak to you and stop bothering my friends.

This was her response:

Ok. If you get stuck, call on the name of Jesus. I will respect your boundary and leave you in the hands of Jesus.

I cackled because all I could think of was me getting into trouble and shouting “JESUS”. As if something will happen after I do that. Perhaps, a human named Jesus might show up, but I doubt he will be the son of god that was crucified at Golgotha and resurrected after three days just for him to go back to heaven and leave the same shitty world behind. Fuck him! Imagine if I shouted “JESUS” and then some random dude named “JESUS” showed up in my living room and asked me “What is it you need my darling?” I answer, “I would like to exist in a non-corporeal and invisible state.” He then gives me the power and I live happily ever after being a menace to society.

Aaaah! I was actually supposed to be talking about therapy. I did a test for ADHD. I hope I will pass. I am also learning about boundaries, and my therapist suggested that I should stop smiling while setting boundaries because that is probably why people are not taking them seriously.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a week as lovely as mine.

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Feelings after vodka

That first sip that goes down your throat, feels a little uncomfortable and irritating. It stings but you don’t care because you are waiting for the reward. That first sip hits to specifically remind you of why you should take the next sip. It’s a tipsy wave that comes and goes in almost a second as if teasing you and you are back to normalcy sooner than you hope. You immediately stretch your right hand to pick up your glass and your left hand to pick up the vodka bottle with 47 per cent alcohol. This time you pour a double shot. It tastes like shit but you are after that amazing tipsy feeling that seduced you only after one shot and left you yearning for more. What a bastard!

You take some water and pour another double shot. You worry about the speed at which you are drinking and decide to dilute it with water so you can sip it slowly. It doesn’t taste like shit anymore and you claim your status on the table of responsible alcohol drinkers.

You sip slowly making sure you are still in control of your balance. You start to feel good. He suddenly shows up in your thoughts. Who else would be better to share this feel-good moment than with him! You think about all the things you would love to tell him for no other reason except that you would want him to know every part of you. You think about the last time you saw him and that passionate kiss that is still very fresh in your head. Sigh!! You finally admit to your tipsy self that you miss him.

He’s different and sometimes he makes you uncomfortable but you like it. When around him, things that were once absolutely scary to you don’t seem scary at all. These are your selfish reasons for wanting him around. You are changing for the better, they may look like trivial things to someone else but only you know that this trivial experience if applied to other parts of your life, will move you closer and closer the kind of human you wish to be.

Your heart warms and you imagine that if he was there, you would stretch out your hands and touch his face, your fingers on his temple and the soft part of your palm on his cheek and look at him without speaking but your eyes will say, “I am glad I met you. I am glad you exist. You are a fine collection of atoms and my only hope is that you are getting as much from me as I am from you”. You know you will never utter those words but you hope that someday, he will be able to read your eyes.

It’s almost been three hours. You stand up to go empty your bladder and realize you are about to lose your balance as you walk. You empty your bladder, then head to the kitchen to have some water. You take painkillers hoping it will stop the pending headache. You go to your room, get naked and jump into bed. You whisper a good night and his name afterwards then make sure the last thought in your head before you sleep is of him just looking at you and not saying anything because his eyes tell it all.

I got robbed by a goose with heavenly farts

I should be working on finding Kyllan and the goose right now but I am on youtube trying to make it stop recommending some shit to me which is basically very counterproductive because I will search the exact same videos at some point and the stupid algorithm will pick that up and start recommending the shit to me again. It’s like using drugs. Blimey hell.

I picked up a stray goose today. She was white and very beautiful with its long slender neck and flattened bill. I almost ran her over on the highway. I wonder what she was doing on the highway all alone. She probably got kicked out by her boyfriend. Her feathers were very unkempt (sort of like after-sex-hair) and her eyes were very red, I am guessing due to crying or maybe she had a wild night out and ended up having a one night stand with a stranger goose

I have a bad history with geese. My dad used to keep them and the bloody birds behaved like dogs. One of the geese chased me around the compound and bit my ass. My buttocks were at the exact same level as the goose’s bill. Payback is certainly nigh.

When I picked up this troubled goose, I thought I could eat her but when we got home, something very beautiful happened. She farted. You would expect it to be acrid, but it was ambrosial. It was all rainbows and cupcakes. That was the most beautiful smell. At that moment, I felt like I was lying down on a beach, feeling the tide coming in, with the sea going up my legs, then away, then higher, then away. I have never felt more relaxed.

Two hours later…..

I woke up to an empty house with Kyllan nowhere to be found. I was naked on the floor and the goose was kind enough to leave my credit card beside me. I might have to make a naked walk to the shop so I can get some clothes. I am not even angry, that heavenly fart changed my life. The fart came, the fart left. Nothing had changed. The world hadn’t changed. Yet nothing would be the same. All that remains now is for me to hunt down that pillock of a goose and steal her goslings, one male, one female, so that I can have an endless supply of beautiful farts. I could get rich out of this. Oh, I almost forgot, I gotta get Kyllan back too. What would a goose want with a robot!!!

Unknown Variables

You took a walk on the beach, you noticed the beautiful sunrise, you mentioned the breeze across your face, you enjoyed the sound made by the waves of the ocean.

What are you on about Kyllan?

You are in love.

I am most certainly not in love.

Then how do you explain your body’s spike in vasopressin, adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Your neural receptors have been lighting up carelessly. You must be addicted to something.

Shut up Kyllan!! I am not in the mood for a diagnosis.

You mentioned his name last night in your sleep.

Why do I feel violated by that statement?

It was not my intention maam.

What are people supposed to do with these bloody heavy feelings? Probably just acknowledge them and then do nothing about it. I am very good at not taking action when it comes to unknown variables. Love tops my list of life’s unknown variables. I still have complete control of my brain at the moment. However, my beautiful creature in the form of a man will give me a call, tell me that I have a nice smile and that I should stay cute and at that very moment, in its weakened state, my heart will challenge for a fight with my brain it will win and when the day comes when my life flashes before my eyes, I will smile knowing that even though it was for a short while, I loved.

HER

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So, we gotta talk about HER because it is a requirement that I study and I can’t do that until I write this because she has been occupying the better part of my head lately.

She is one attractive human who possesses beauty undreamt of. I would randomly see around and thought “she is quite fine-looking this human, I would love to know HER”. Then, I found out we had a few mutual friends who would randomly mention HER in passing and just like that, I randomly met HER. Then I got to have a random conversation with HER one day and damn…I was overcome with awe and wonder. I couldn’t stop listening, she is really sophisticated and witty. That had to be one of the best conversations I have had in my life. I think about it a lot.

Accidental call

One night I randomly go through my phone and I realize that I may have HER number. So, I decided to call HER. I had no chills that day. At one point, someone called me using HER phone and I saved the number. I was only doing trial and error to see if it would go through. It did go through. At first, I was a little nervous but, turns out she was also excited to hear from me. That was a lovely one hour and 44 minutes conversation. We did plan to hang out and smoke little. A vice we both share.

Smoke day

Well, I am probably not proud of all that smoking but it was totally worth it. Chainsmoking was the order of the evening. That whole time, I was learning all these new things from HER. The sapiosexual in me was receiving pleasure and satisfaction every moment of it and I watched HER getting more and more attractive the more she talked.

Another smoke day

This time, I was a tad bit anxious and to calm my nerves, I had a few shots of whiskey. She showed up. I handed HER a shot. We ended up buying more liquor and cigarettes and the rest of the night was too sacred for me to share but it involved selection of clothes and pressing delete.

The memories I got, I never want to lose. I will hold on to them for as long as I can whether I get to see her again or not. I will think about HER at least once a day and then thank the universe for bringing to me this perfect little arrangement of atoms. I am so smitten. I kinda like it. It’s a strange feeling. I got feels again, I think a party to remember this day is in order.

A little feeling….

Seeing you is always euphoric. You elicit all these feelings in me that I prefer to keep buried deep down where they can never be found. Feelings that occasionally show when I have drowned myself in a bit of alcohol and all the concrete and blocks that make my very highly erected walls shatter into tiny pieces. You send electric shivers down my spine and suddenly everything around me disappears and all I can see is you and you alone, all sound is lost to me and all my senses stop to work except for my eyes. Beauty personified is what you are. I would totally have you before I choose any drugs. Move over alcohol, a new love is in town. My loins get a little frothy and then I remember that I have to practice self-control and not jump on you and probably touch your will and then find a room to go to because both of us will be so horny. I first make a cheeky smile from ear to ear. Then I steal glances because I do not want you to catch me staring. All I can think of is kissing you over and over again and making love in the middle of the night while our friend is blacked out on the floor. We both hope he does not wake up while I am on top of you with my tits bouncing and I try so hard to suppress my moans while hoping that if this ever happens again, I will not have to suppress anything. I get high on the thought of me touching your abs, your hair and you running your fingers down my back.

I don’t even know if this will happen again but I am so happy right because, for the first time after a very long time, I felt something emotional. It’s good to be human again.