Tag: hell

The pineapple on pizza

I am so sorry because this is neither about pineapples or pizza. I have been horny all day. Kyllan can’t help, he is a fucking robot. Konan is an alien tit with no idea how to satisfy humans even though she has 5 nipples. Those nipples are as useless as the human appendix. I should find her creators and ask them about the 5 nipples.

Anyway, a dance with the devil is all I have been thinking about, let’s go to hell people.

We made it to hell, and guess who we found here. “Well well, Jesus! What are you doing here?” I ask Jesus.

“I wanted to attend Rihanna’s concert. It’s hot as hell because of all the people here, too many dancing bodies generating a lot of heat. The heat in hell has nothing to do with fire. I found this out after I died. I feel sorry for the poor people that actually believe that I resurrected. Those Pharisees were quite clever. I was minding my own business being a minimalist and trying to get people to see the joys of minimalism. That is why I asked people to drop everything and follow me. I wanted to share my lifestyle. It was very freeing. I just wanted to leave a mark like that guy Socrates. I feel sad when I read things like this. People were quite smart during Socrates’ time. Have you got some extra cash for the VIP section? Socrates is definitely there and I want to meet him.

Now I hear people worship me on earth. Maybe I should go leave my mark on other planets too. If all that worship could only translate to money so that I could attend all of Rihanna’s concerts in hell. They are bloody expensive because she is still alive and coming to hell is not cheap. I want to go back to earth and tell all those people to fuck off. …or maybe, instead of that, I could train Elon Musk on how to become the next me. He seems to have gathered quite the cult following.

She’s about to play Bitch better have my money. I love that song. Those priests had better give me all the money they have been collecting on Sundays. They owe their livelihood to me.

How did you come to hell without dying though? You don’t seem rich enough to afford the trip or bribe any angels to overlook your activities. You also brought your robot and your friend that looks like a human tit. I hope the tit won’t vibrate to the point of bursting. She looks fragile.”

I gotta stay here for a while until I have my dance with the devil. I also need a plan to avoid Jesus, he talks too much.

You aren’t entitled to anyone’s help

Disclaimer: I am not a religious person at all but I grew up in a religious family.

There is this collection of people that possess the characteristics of poor, Christian and African. I am yet to meet a group of people more entitled than this bunch. Not all of them though, just most of them. It drives me mad just listening to them talk. This is a group of people that quite often over-spiritualize everything. God is not going to fucking earn money for you.

“Look at him and his five cars yet he cannot give me even one thousand shillings.”

“He could pay my daughter’s fees and not feel any effect.”

“He can’t even help his own people.”

“His judgement is coming. God will fight for us this battle.” (How arrogant can you be to say this. To imagine you are qualified to decide people’s fates.)

“Aliye juu, mngojee chini.” -This basically refers to grace to grass kind of situation- (You might wait for the rest of your life for this to happen)

I got news for you mate, YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ENTITLED TO THE RICH MAN’S MONEY. THE RICH MAN OWES YOU NOTHING AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO HIM JUST BECAUSE HE DID NOT HELP YOU. In fact, he will keep making a lot more money without the knowledge of your existence while you keep complaining. Nothing bad will happen to him.

That money is his to do with it what he pleases. All these people do, is prattle all day long about these rich assholes and their hearts of stone and while they prattle, the rich man is working to make more money. You have no fucking idea what he has done to get where he is but you are quick to talk shit without any evidence most of the time. After prattling all day about the rich privileged people that won’t help them, they pray that same prayer asking God for a breakthrough then say “God will take away.” I got news for you dumbo, GOD ALREADY FUCKING MADE A WAY. You got a brain and working limbs. Get off your ass. I like to think that God has more on his plate than to worry about which hardworking humans with working brains and limbs will earn their deserved money so they can go and use some of it as handouts to lazy humans with working brains and limbs who spend the day bitching about the same people giving them handouts.

People will help you because they want to. If it’s not in God’s plan for this person to help you, you will never get that help however much you talk shit and quietly hope that God will punish them. You will talk shit all you want but never get that help. Here’s is an idea, USE YOUR HANDS, LEGS AND BRAIN AND GO GET A FUCKING JOB. Ask the rich man for a job instead of money, use that talent you know you have, plough that piece of land. Righteousness and poverty are not the same things and wealth do not signify a lack of righteousness. Heaven isn’t for poor people. Hell isn’t for rich people. Your wealth has nothing to do with where you end up if an afterlife exists at all.

You get angry when someone refuses to help. Why? You are not entitled to that help. Move on to the next person until you get the help you need. Most of the time, you don’t even need help. Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself. The sooner you make yourself acquainted with life’s fuckedupedness, the quicker it will be for you to get off your lazy sorry ass and do what needs to be done to make your life as comfortable as you can with or without the help of that rich person that you quietly resent.