Tag: marriage

I almost killed Adolh Fitler

I met this guy who offered me a great deal of money. I was to go back in the past and kill Adolh Fitler. How could I say no? he paid up front and I could not say no to meeting Fitler. I had Kyllan procure me a time machine. What would I do without him? He is the best robot ever. I set the machine to 1940 and Kyllan and I got into his time machine. I pressed a red button and there I was in Adolh’s office with my magnificent robot behind me.

I, unfortunately, found him in his office and before I could make any movement, he started shooting at me. Kyllan’s primary job is to make sure that I am safe from any harm and so he, in a split second, stood in front of me and took all the bullets. He stopped shooting when he noticed that I was not firing back. He stood up and asked me who I was. I told him my name. I explained that I was from the future and that is why my clothes looked a little bit strange and not in fashion.

“…..now Adolh, you are quite the very handsome man. You have excellent bone structure. I am finding it hard not to stare at you. You know, I was sent here to kill you, end your life just like that by putting a bullet in your skull. Some really weird old man who is almost senile sent me here to end you but we can talk about that later. I have to say, you look more handsome than your pictures. I cannot stop staring at you. There is something about your face that just makes my loins frothy. I am already a big fan of yours. You see, you have the most beautiful nose that I have ever seen. It totally stands out and unlike all the other human beings; the complexion of your nose is very different from the complexion of the rest of your body. You have a black nose and a white body. That is what I like to call a piece of art. You know the phrase that says God created us in his own image? It totally refers to you. Look at you, you are a Greek god. You are Zeus. You are my Zeus. You, your black nose and I will have very beautiful children with black noses and white bodies. It is illegal to have such a beautiful nose, a nose like no other.”

I had to clear my throat.

“I will now give you my gun, my other gun, my other gun, my knife, my grenade, my sword …. and ….. yeah, that’s it, you have all my weapons now. I am very harmless now. I am doing this as a sign of good faith hoping that you will also like my nose and offer me a nose ring. I could give you my pinky too but if I cut them off, I will bleed to death and die. I kill people with these two fantastic twins, my index finger and my middle finger. They are quite useful. Look, they can turn metallic spikes. I call them Squiddly and Diddly. Okay, I’m done talking now….”

It was then that Adolh walked towards me and started singing,

“Hello, is it me you are looking for.

I can see it in your smile…

You are all I’ve ever wanted…..

And my arms are open wide….

Cause you know just what to say…

And you know just what to do….

And I want to tell you so much….

I love you….”

Oh my goodness, Lionel Ritchie must have stolen those words from you.

Adolh and I are happily married with ten babies. He took my name to avoid being found by any other assassins from the future. I still live in the past and I refuse to change my wardrobe. Adolh likes my wardrobe and that is all that matters. Kyllan is still with us, still takes care of me. Every once in a while, he goes to the future and comes back with my monkey subjects. We decided that we don’t like people.

…and, that is how my husband died

Hello love…..

Hey, baby…

How are you?

I am very terrific.

How was your day?

It was great. I drank a lot, like a lot, almost a gallon of tea in the office today because it had all this milk and it tasted really really nice, I really could not resist. It was almost orgasmic. I could feel the milk flow all the way down my gut from my mouth to my stomach seducing me to add more and more milk into my body and ignore the doctor’s instructions on not drinking any milk. Hours later, all I could think of was that white milk. How can a tit produce such heavenly tasting milk? I am still thinking about that milk and what I could do to it when I found it. I am quite sure that the person that discovered milk was just being a nice pervert wondering if the cow’s titties will be as good as mommies and voilà, it was. If I was that person, I would never inform the rest of the world of my discovery. I would have all the world’s milk to myself.

I also discovered that my boobies can be very useful. They can serve a purpose other than fitting into the soft lovely palms of your hands and being a pillow to your head. They do make really comfy pillows, though. Sometimes I wish I could detach my head and have it lie on my boobs for just a few minutes. I bet it would be the beat day of my life after marrying you which is the ultimate best day of my life. I cannot believe I said my vows perfectly while so inebriated, I basically can’t remember most of that day, it is a miracle that we are still married. Do you want to hi-5 to that my lovely knight in shining armor? By the way, why are you dressed in those shiny clothes?

I cannot believe that I am the only person in this world that cannot enjoy my boobs. God is a cruel fellow. I am sure he was like, ‘I am going to give you the best things in this world called boobies but guess what, it will only be for other people’s enjoyment but yours.’

Pumpkin, I also want to thank you for having beautiful symmetrical balls. They are so round and they fit perfectly in my mouth. Thank goodness for all those billiard balls swallowing contests or I would never be able to have those balls in my mouth. Your balls are why I married you, once I saw them, they sealed the deal for me right there right then. They just feel so good in my hands and when I am having a bad day at work I think about your balls and how symmetrical they are and I start. The symmetricalness of those balls makes me so very ecstatic. I had messed with a lot of symmetrical balls before I met you and you know what, none of those asymmetrical-balled lads are around now. Something about asymmetrical balls drives me mad in not a good way. Thank god for your balls. They just hang down there like sad little babies. Such beautiful balls should be on display. You are alive because of them.

Okay. Tell me more about the tea….

The tea was very sweet. There was something about the sugar that was put in it. In retrospect, I think it was brown sugar. I tasted, drank, drank some more and then swallowed and swallowed some more. I stole some of the other employees’ cups of tea which got me into so much trouble with my fat boss. He is such a bully, he must have had it rough in middle school and now he has made it payback time for people in real life. He asked me why I was stealing tea. I told him that it was really sweet and addictive and that I could not get enough of it. It was the best thing that he had ever drunk. He did not believe me. He said that I was misbehaving and that I deserved to be punished. I was a little bit scared. You never really know what goes on in that wanker’s head. You are the only person who punishes me in the way that I like. So, he pulled me close to him and asked me if my husband was a wanker because then you could schedule a wanking play date and perhaps form a wanking club one day. He has always wanted a wanking partner and you, unfortunately, fit the bill perfectly. He made this really weird look on his face. He then asked me if I knew how much milk I had drunk. I told him that I had no idea. He said it was almost two liters. At this point, the distance between my nose and his was less than

a centimeter. Our noses were almost touching and I was afraid of his bulbous nose. I did have a chance to stare at his nose. Those nostrils were quite big I could fit two thumbs in one and even move it around in circular motion, and they kept moving back and forth as he took in each breath and he would still be able to breathe quite perfectly. He started complaining about how milk is expensive because cows are dying in the hands of non-vegetarian gobshites, each human being is entitled to a quarter a liter of milk per day. He asked me to unbutton my blouse and take off my bra. He then got a jug, oiled my tits to make them nicely smooth and slippery then started milking them till he got back all his two liters of milk. I couldn’t believe that all this time we have been buying milk when I could produce my own. My boobies were so productive today and I am proud of myself for giving back to society. I should join the tit Olympic. All those fake huge tits will have nothing on me I tell you. There is no more space for milk with all that silicon up in them tits. I saved the company a few bucks today. Are you proud of me honey?? My boobs have become a bit smaller, though. We might have to save one milk producing cow from some butt plug faced meat eaters so I can drink enough milk to return my boobs to their normal size.

Honey………..

Oh…Shit…I now have to move to another country again.

Bollocks, I just killed another husband.

I don’t remember him dying, though. When did I lose him?

I gotta bounce. The police or my neighbors will find him. It was god while it lasted.

……….AND THAT IS HOW MY HUSBAND DIED. I guess I could now have his balls displayed. # # # # # # #