I wanna cut off my tits and uterus and give them to someone that actually needs them but I am broke and no doctor will remove my uterus until I turn 35 because I guess I will be a fossil then and no male will want my eggs anymore. I want to scream my heart out at the top of a mountain. My finances are shit because I spent money hanging out with people that I do not like that much (I used to like them but not anymore) drinking alcohol that I did not want to drink and now 5 days after the alcohol drinking, I am still having anxiety and feeling ashamed of myself.
Unmasking is hard. I realised that all the friends I have are people who approached me and stayed because I never really chased them away. Now, I am dealing with learning how much they enjoy the positives of my brain but punish me for all the negatives.
I guess to them I am just seeking attention with this white people’s disease. How can I be autistic when I have been able to function in society for the past 32 years. Well, welcome to masking. Thank you for dismissing my experience while making me feel like the only way I can keep you in my life is if I continue masking.
The only difference between my masked and unmasked self is that when I was masked, I was alone with people but now, I am alone with myself. I like being alone with myself.
I am typing real fast hoping to let out all the word diarrhoea that is coming out of my head in the hopes that I will feel a lot less anxious but all that is happening so far is me being aware of what I am feeling but still an anxious human.
Well, therapy is expensive, so, here I am ranting….and also, therapists are humans and sometimes, they fail to separate their beliefs from their practice which I have found to be very dangerous.
Anyway, I hope y’all are having a better day than me. Thanks for reading my rant. When you read it, I felt like I was being hugged all the way back in Nairobi Kenya. Toodle. Mwaah!