Emotionally compromised

“I have none of the usual inducements that most women have to enter into the conjugal or connubial state. Was I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing! However, I have never been in love. It is neither my way nor my nature. Without love, I shall be a fool to change such a situation as mine. I believe few married women are half as much mistress of their lives, as I am of mine.” It was at that moment when I was toying with these alluring thoughts that he shows up in my life. He did not quite dispossess me of these thoughts, he, however, offered strong feelings of desire, a general want and longing in lieu of love.

Well informed, knowledgeable, in possession of an extensive vocabulary, strikingly impressive, elegantly proportioned, a face that is hard to miss, cultured and refined. He spoke with exquisite calmness, a pleasing young man undoubtedly. The overwhelmingly mind-blowing philosophical conversations make me hot for him. I look at him talking and my gaze is focused on his lips. They move with the quality of splendour and royalty. I wonder if I can separate those lips from him and keep them to myself and listen to them tell me about Socrates, Sartre, Plato, Aurelius….and the rest. How beautiful that would be. He is a magnificent collection of atoms. How can one so smart be equally beautiful? He does not falter. He oozes eloquence and radiates danger, the kind that borders on mischief. The kind of danger I run towards and not away from. I would let him have me whole.

Break up texts

I have been dumped twice on the text. I have never really been the one one that ended a relationship. I am too chicken to do it. The universe has always worked in my favour. Most of the time, my getting dumped has happened simultaneously with my need to end the relationship. After nursing my wounds, I had a lot of time to appreciate the prose in the preceding texts.

Break up text 1 —

Let’s not be coy – as opposed to me, you barely had any importance attached to this acquaintance. More often than not, I would be the one looking for you. Both unfortunately and fortunately for me, I think everything has eventually run its course. It was however quite ethereal while it lasted. Topping those memories will be no easy task.

Break up text 2 —

I possess only a finite amount of space in my brain and you have given me no reason to prioritize you in my thoughts. You are too much of an unknown variable. I find myself incapable of placing a quantitative value for you in my life. Logic dictates that I give precedence to existing constants. As for the conversations and the sex, well, I will miss those but can surely make do without. You have given me some of my best memories, let’s hope nobody tops them.

I cannot tell which I love more. I honestly appreciate the work they put into those. I know how much energy was conjured to come up with that.

Lost tits

So, I wake up in my college dorm bathroom. The only light is that filtering through the filmy windows high above the showers. I am alone. I try the door, only to find myself locked in. Then I realize that it’s the first morning of Thanksgiving break, and since the dorms were cleared out and locked, I am stuck for the next four days.

Fuck fucks fuck. I gotta stop cursing because this is not helping. How did I even end up in the bathroom?? I really can’t remember anything from last night. It must have been a bonkers night. My head feels like a pig crapped in it.

What to do, what to do, what to do!!

Mmmh! I feel my phone in my pockets. Thank goodness I still got it. I dial Kyllan so he can figure out how to solve my small problem. I cannot stay hungry for four days. I can barely last 8 hours without food.

Tits tits tits. I could play with my tits as I wait for Kyllan. Shit! My tits are missing. Where the fuck are my tits? I remember having them before going to the party last night. Shit, the last time I lost my tits, I had willingly given then to the disk jockey because I really enjoyed the music he was playing and thought my tits would make the perfect reward. Thankfully, he returned them the next day as soon as I sobered up. What a nice lad he was. That could have gone so badly with me ending up in jail for sexual harassment. Who knew a day would come when sexually harassed men would get the justice they deserve. The world is indeed getting better.

This is the worst time to lose my tits. What will I tell my boyfriend? He told me to leave my tits with him so I don’t lose them. Looks like I was too overconfident with my idea of responsible drinking. Shit! At least I got four days to come up with the best excuse as to why I do not have my tits.

What if I gave them to a stranger? They could be somewhere milking the hell out my tits, or even worse, they could be suckling directly from my nipples. Oh no! My nipples could come back shriveled. Eeew, I cannot think about this right now.

“Please don’t!” I scream in my head. My fifth horseman of the apocalypse (paranoia) has reared its head. I can’t think of anything else other than my lost tits now. Looks like he is followed by his dear friend anxiety. I really need Kyllan right about now.

What if my tits get sold on the black market? I cannot walk around tit-less and I do not want to get new tits. I should send Kyllan to the tit auction just in case they will be there.

My threesome with paranoia and anxiety is interrupted with a phone call. Kyllan is here with some Pym particles. He passes them through the window, I shrink and walk out through the window. I unshrink and hug Kyllan for saving the day once again. Thank goodness he is a robot or else he would have been tired of me already.

“Here are your tits ma’am.” Those were the best five words I had heard in a really long time. Turns out, Kyllan had my tits tracked and the moment I separated from them, he noticed and went to collect them from some dairy farmers who were already prepping them for milking. I love you Kyllan.

Time to find my man and probably not tell him what happened.

HER

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So, we gotta talk about HER because it is a requirement that I study and I can’t do that until I write this because she has been occupying the better part of my head lately.

She is one attractive human who possesses beauty undreamt of. I would randomly see around and thought “she is quite fine-looking this human, I would love to know HER”. Then, I found out we had a few mutual friends who would randomly mention HER in passing and just like that, I randomly met HER. Then I got to have a random conversation with HER one day and damn…I was overcome with awe and wonder. I couldn’t stop listening, she is really sophisticated and witty. That had to be one of the best conversations I have had in my life. I think about it a lot.

Accidental call

One night I randomly go through my phone and I realize that I may have HER number. So, I decided to call HER. I had no chills that day. At one point, someone called me using HER phone and I saved the number. I was only doing trial and error to see if it would go through. It did go through. At first, I was a little nervous but, turns out she was also excited to hear from me. That was a lovely one hour and 44 minutes conversation. We did plan to hang out and smoke little. A vice we both share.

Smoke day

Well, I am probably not proud of all that smoking but it was totally worth it. Chainsmoking was the order of the evening. That whole time, I was learning all these new things from HER. The sapiosexual in me was receiving pleasure and satisfaction every moment of it and I watched HER getting more and more attractive the more she talked.

Another smoke day

This time, I was a tad bit anxious and to calm my nerves, I had a few shots of whiskey. She showed up. I handed HER a shot. We ended up buying more liquor and cigarettes and the rest of the night was too sacred for me to share but it involved selection of clothes and pressing delete.

The memories I got, I never want to lose. I will hold on to them for as long as I can whether I get to see her again or not. I will think about HER at least once a day and then thank the universe for bringing to me this perfect little arrangement of atoms. I am so smitten. I kinda like it. It’s a strange feeling. I got feels again, I think a party to remember this day is in order.

Match day

It’s match day. I got my water filled balloons, I got my tits and I got Kyllan. We are in my lab and we have moved most of the stuff to create space for the long awaited battle. We have our battle music “Eye of the tiger” playing in the background. I got my sporty shorts on. I got my top that has been custom made just for me by Kyllan. Thanks Kyllan. The top is a perfect fit with openings on my chest just enough to sufficiently hang out. I really do love you a little too much. Should we call M.A? He would totally enjoy this.

Kyllan calls M.A. As we wait for him to arrive, Kyllan gets a couch for him to watch from, some pizza, alcohol, juice, fries and a microphone in case he will want to yell something. So far, we know he is rooting for the tits.

Kyllan will be controlling the balloons while I will be controlling my tits. M.A finally gets here. We (Kyllan, the balloons and I) get into the ring. I jump around a bit as my warm up. I am overly confident that I will win this battle. I do not like the smirk on M.A’s face but I will ignore it. The balloons are a formidable opponent. They were trash talking me earlier and it made me so angry I really wanted to pop them then. Considering there were no rules to this match, I sort of secretly froze my tits. They are really hard right now and cold too. I have lowered the temperature of my room to reduce the chances of thawing. A thawed tit will not work to my favour. As soon as M.A gets settled, the match begins.

Kyllan has got one balloon on the right hand and another on the left hand. He starts with the one on the right hand, raising it so high and releasing it on my left tit. Shock on them, the balloon immediately burst after landing on my very hard frozen tit. I start to laugh maniacally. M.A looks a little shocked. It wasn’t supposed to be this easy. His money was on the tits though so, he won’t be losing anything.

Who’s the shit??? I am shit. Try trash talking me now you little wanker. You are dead and torn. I am alive and kicking. You couldn’t even put up a fight. You were never a match for my hard tit.

The left balloon does not like what he just saw. I taunt him. “Want some of that??” Kyllan gets a little worried. He has never seen that side of me, and neither has M.A. I am on fire. Kyllan has become a little attached to the left balloon that is now mourning his boyfriend (turns out the balloons were gay and in love) and has decided that the match must end as he cannot watch the death and mutilation of another balloon. I feel a little bad for the now single balloon. Later in the day, after thawing my tits, I will write an apology letter. I would rub him but then I would get sued for rape which is not good. I would definitely spend the rest of my life in jail as that will be a hate crime against a minority.

Later on, M.A and I celebrate the tit victory by drinking ourselves silly and taking about penguins and how we can acquire a couple. I thank him for showing up. He is a pretty good friend. I wish he supported the balloons so that I could have some of his money right now.

The brain or the heart?

It was only ever supposed to be just a sex thing, a fling, two adults enjoying each other’s bodies. Nothing more nothing less. When we did it the very first time, I was trying to get rid of all these feelings resulting from my urge to satisfy my sexual impulses. It worked perfectly and in a moment of vulnerability, I asked if we could do that again and he was okay with my idea which in retrospect, I regret saying that. My head wants to end this trysts of ours before my heart gets in too deep. My head stands at the very edge of a deep hole trying to pull out my heart that already slipped and fell into the hole and descending in free fall under the influence of the gravity of his existence. This will end into a tug of war and my head, though rational, is sometimes weaker than the heart.

I go to him on a Friday afternoon, get some alcohol, smoke some tobacco, act like nothing is going on between us because none of our friends know it. We have been extremely discreet so far. I think about his lips, his face, his body. He talks, I can see his lips move but I cannot hear what he is saying, I am memorizing all the details of his face, his nose, his ears, his mouth. He is a beautifully made piece of human being. If he was created by God, he did not hold out anything on this one. If he evolved, then nature must have favored him.

I see him and I feel shivers down my spine. He touches me and my knees suddenly become doughy. I cannot stand anymore. Someone, please pick me up. I cannot stop looking at him. He is a mystery. A mystery that I do not want to solve. There is some sanctitude in what we have and what I feel for him thus solving this mystery will damage irreparably the very delicate temple in my head where I store all my memories and imaginations of us.

We kiss, we have sex but we never talk about it. I wonder whether he likes it or not. In fact, we rarely talk. Does he think of me as much as I think of him? If he does think of me, does he smile? When it is time to sleep, he comes to bed, he doesn’t say anything but we all know what is about to happen. At this point, I am doing back-flips in my head, my heart is racing a little bit, his lips touch mine and for a moment, nothing else exists but he and I. I move my fingers through his rugged hair and wonder what he would look like if he cut it all. I run my fingers down from his temple all the way to his succulent lips. We have a go at it which is always a mind-blowing experience and when he cums, we take a nap or rather he takes a nap. I have my eyes open. I am memorizing all the details of his naked body. I rest on my side with my right leg on top of his as he cuddles me. I notice how our skin tones are quite different. I think about an artist coming in and painting us just as we are so I con something to hold on to in case my memory fades away. He is magnificent.

After the nap, he slowly touches my hand and leads it to his phallus. He is hard again. He kisses me, plays with me a little bit and then asks me to ride him. I can feel him cumming. I sometimes wonder, ‘Does he ever get worried that I may get pregnant??’ even-though I know that I cannot. Will he hold these shenanigans against me if I decide to quit him?? Does he know how happy I am that I get to have sex with him??

If this was meant to only be a sex thing, why do I feel how I feel?? Why does my heart feel smote by him?? Why am I slightly jealous when I hear that he is with another girl?? I want to be selfish with him. I want his lips to be mine and mine alone. This was never supposed to happen. I find myself compartmentalizing him and pretending that he does not exist. Move on with my life without all these annoying feelings.

Please, feel my thoughts deep inside, reach out further and feel what I feel and tell that one thing, just one thing that will make me know whether to embrace these feelings or get rid of them.

Chills , guns and whips

I had my eyebrows threaded today. It was probably the most awesome thing that happened to me today. I was feeling really good while I was being threaded. As my hair was being plucked one by one, all I could feel were chills down my spine. These were the good kind of chills, the ones that you feel when all of a sudden the boy you have been crushing on all your life touches that weak spot of your body. I did not want her to stop; I wanted the plucking to continue. I was deriving enjoyment and satisfaction from those chills. She continued plucking on my orders until she could pluck no more. The plucker had stopped plucking. What the hell was going on? I got angry and wondered why she had stopped plucking. I raised my head and looked at myself in the mirror. There really was nothing to pluck anymore. All my eyebrow hair had vanished and I had this default look of surprise that would remain unchanged indefinitely for quite a long while until I grew back my eyebrow hair. The poor plucker cut a fake mustache into two and stuck them just above my eyes. She was perfect. My new eyebrows were very symmetrical and would make babies cry too. This was just wonderful.

On my way out of the salon, I passed this very hot and sexy police officer. He was too gorgeous. It should be illegal to be a law enforcement officer and look like that. He had a gun on one hand and a whip on the other.… “Oh, police officer. Master, I could not help but notice your weapon that incorporates a metal tube from which bullets are propelled by explosive force. You have a very big gun. I would love for you to shoot me with it. I like big things. I’m sure your bullets are big too. I love me some big bullets. It would be a great honor if you wounded me with one of your big metal projectiles that are fired from your gun. I would love that very much.

Oh, and look at your whip. I have never seen one like this. This is a very thick whip. Please, beat me with it. Beat me with your fat strip of leather and leave a scar. I need that scar so that I can remember you. I hear scars are very sexy nowadays and that is why girls are now paying people to beat them and leave them with scars so that their boyfriends love them which is some really screwed up shit. Scars are saving marriages. Beat me, master, beat a begging girl. I will pay you to beat me. All I want is a bullet and one beating. Give me the chills I have always waited for. You would be happy to know that I am not a minor. Can I kiss you and bite your lip a little? Arrest me, sir, those handcuffs would look so great on me. I am a dangerous criminal. Dangerous criminals should be seized by legal authority and taken into custody. Please be my legal authority. You have to arrest me now and take me to the station for a little bullet and whipping action. So, what do you think officer?”

Coup de theatre

I am driving to my lovely boyfriend’s house right now to surprise him. He is a wee laddie but he does all these things that inspire me and that no other wee laddie can do. He is in a state of altered consciousness induced by narcotics and he needs me to take advantage of him. Something that I really enjoy doing and I do so well. So, I thought I should go see him with my body naked to his invasion. I am not completely unclothed though. I have two pieces of clothing on. I have my trench coat and a beautiful sexy pair of stiletto heels, and kegel balls too, not that I needed them. The physical exertion required by my work kept me fit.

I get to his house, I am aflame with desire, you could tell by my unrestrained excitement. I open his door with the key he gave me. I am looking all spicy as I walk towards his bedroom to surprise him. I tiptoe into his room, trying not to mess up the surprise.

I am always taking advantage of him but none of my exploits have involved nudity. I also think I love this guy and his skin. His skin is as soft as a baby’s caboose. I usually want to eat him. We make quite the spicy couple. He might be the one. He is so beautiful both inside and out. I have already pictured myself with him for the rest of my life. I can see seven cute little babies who all look like me. I bought a family car yesterday. I am off birth control. I am already looking for a family house. I have given him half the wardrobe space in my apartment. We will grow old together, pick apples together and live happily ever after waking up to each other’s faces for all eternity. Eternity is quite a long time, just like I want it to be. We will die together. If one of us dies before the other, the one who stays alive will drink cyanide so we can be together forever.

This is the first time that I was ever surprising him. I was hoping it would be very soulful and amorous. He would immediately fall in love with me after I dropped that trench coat. He has never seen me fully naked. We were creatures of the dark, always doing it in the dark like horny bats. By doing it, I mean cuddling. We were cuddlers. The cuddles were endless with him. I walked into the room and switched on the lights. Oh yeah, the lights were on and there were surprises indeed. Lots of surprises in fact, such as my naked body, the ice on my virgin boyfriend’s broken penis, the pink handcuffs around his wrists, the girl under the bed looking for the cuff keys and the other girl behind me who had gone to fetch more ice from the refrigerator.

Who knew, the ‘surpriser’ became the ‘surprisee’. My poor heart. I will probably just turn into an angry woman who hates all men and wants to kill them.

I kick out the two girls. I then take the boy’s laptop and leave him watching lesbian porn with a gag around his mouth. I am guessing this would definitely be his kind of thing. Resetting my brain on what I thought about him was not that hard. Also, if you are an owner of a broken penis, do not watch anything that will turn you on, broken penises do not react well to that.

The amazing tactile duo

My digital circuits lecturer is really hot. I can’t help it, it is hard not to notice. She has the perfect nose. I particularly love its snub shape. I just can’t stop gazing at it. It is a very attractive nose considering it was natural in a world where everyone has a fake nose. It is refreshing. A young woman with a big brain who is also sexy and has a natural nose are pretty hard to come by. When I start gazing, I usually am in the zone, I don’t even blink, it is like looking at the weeping angels except in this scenario, you are delighted to do it and not scared. She has the perfect brown eyes, beautiful cheeks that show dimples when she smiles and turns purple when she blushes, her teeth are perfectly white, I think her eyebrows are tweezed, they are way too perfect, she has the perfect hairline and she is funny too. She is my only lecturer who does not put me to sleep. Her complexion is almost like the color of that chocolate that I buy every day, the one that is slowly making me start tasting like chocolate. It is specially designed for me.

This woman is God sent. I need to know her name and start attending all of her classes. I should not be taking digital circuits this semester but for her, I will do the stupidest things. I could get her to tutor me. All I need to do is terribly fail in my first test then go crying to her of how I have to do well so that I can make my parents proud of me. I will make myself available anytime for tutoring any time any day. I hope she picks the nights. I do have to make my parents proud of me while I gaze at the beautiful nose in the process.

The tutoring might not really help with my grades, I happen to be good at digital circuits. It just sounds nice to waste my time staring at this creature. A creature that seldom appears in my school. She is a sight for sore eyes. Visual nourishment I guess. There are very few pretty people in my class. I just happen to be one of the pretty ones. I am happy that finally there is one more yum yum lady and she stands in front of me four times a week. She just made school lovable.

I can’t wait for the tutoring to start. I have officially become a tactile learner (only for the tutoring). I am the kind of learner who easily understands with the help of physical contact. I hope this beautiful creature is going to embrace tactile learning. It is after all the only way that I can get A’s in her class and she will be proud of me. She will be proud of her tactile learner and she will get me a present and she will tutor me for the rest of her life as a

lecturer after seeing the importance of touch during the study. She will become my tactile lecturer and we will be the tactile duo.

Kyllan strongly disproves of my tactics and thinks I need to go back to therapy asap.

A little feeling….

Seeing you is always euphoric. You elicit all these feelings in me that I prefer to keep buried deep down where they can never be found. Feelings that occasionally show when I have drowned myself in a bit of alcohol and all the concrete and blocks that make my very highly erected walls shatter into tiny pieces. You send electric shivers down my spine and suddenly everything around me disappears and all I can see is you and you alone, all sound is lost to me and all my senses stop to work except for my eyes. Beauty personified is what you are. I would totally have you before I choose any drugs. Move over alcohol, a new love is in town. My loins get a little frothy and then I remember that I have to practice self-control and not jump on you and probably touch your will and then find a room to go to because both of us will be so horny. I first make a cheeky smile from ear to ear. Then I steal glances because I do not want you to catch me staring. All I can think of is kissing you over and over again and making love in the middle of the night while our friend is blacked out on the floor. We both hope he does not wake up while I am on top of you with my tits bouncing and I try so hard to suppress my moans while hoping that if this ever happens again, I will not have to suppress anything. I get high on the thought of me touching your abs, your hair and you running your fingers down my back.

I don’t even know if this will happen again but I am so happy right because, for the first time after a very long time, I felt something emotional. It’s good to be human again.