It’s Census Day

Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!

“Kyllan, would you take care of the fainted human. Tit, come with me, we need to talk.” I let out a big sigh. It’s always weird talking to Tit. Until I finish working on my universal translator, I will have to keep touching Tit’s middle nipple so we can communicate telepathically. I don’t like the texture of that nipple.

The census guys have been going round each and every house to count the humans existing in the country. I totally forgot this so I did not clear my house of anything strange or illegal. I have a ton of illegal technology and an alien that looks like human boob in my house. Both of these could get me killed by the state.

When the lovely citizen knocked on my door, Tit went ahead and opened the door with the new appendages I made her. The lovely citizen that came to count me fainted on the spot. While Kyllan was administering first aid, I was deep in Tit’s consciousness having a conversation about my planet and humans.

When we were sure the citizen would be fine, we teleported him to his apartment just after messing around with his thoughts. We didn’t erase Tit from his memory. We only erased the location of my house and Kyllan. We added a few other Tits in his memory and created a vivid scenario where the tits were trying to suffocate him to death. He will never be able to look at a naked woman. Muhahaha.

Milk, tits and temperature

My temperature is so bloody high. I am radiating heat. Kyllan is having a field day with this. He won’t stop milking my tits because of all the hot tasty milk coming out of them. He is giving my hot milk to the Tit that we came back with from Tit world. Just to make everything clear, I did not recently give birth. We have been playing around with hormones. I had Kyllan inject me with just the right amount of estrogen, progesterone, prolactin and oxytocin. We have been doing this for a while now and my body has reacted just like we expected. Our new guest seems to enjoy warm human milk which happens to be quite nutritious for her/him (shit, I have no idea if the Tit is male or female. Does Tit world have a concept of gender? Do they have private parts? How do they mate? So many questions I have. Mmmhh…I gotta find out soon so we can name our guest and stop calling him/her Tit. Tit is the equivalent of “human” on planet Earth).

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Tit world

“Look, if I decide to go and explore the basement of a long-abandoned asylum in my spare time, it’s nobody’s business and I don’t want anyone to come to find me.”

I did go and no one came to find me. I did have Kyllan with me so there was no need to worry. They wouldn’t have found me anyway. I was somewhere lost is a world full of tit-like creatures with five nipples each.

In the asylum’s basement, I found a tit the size of a human. I touched one of its nipples and immediately got teleported to what I call Tit-world. The tits could communicate with me telepathically so I knew I could go back home whenever I wanted.

Kyllan seems to be enjoying the tits. He is even suckling on a nipple and the tit seems to like it. I try suckling on a nipple and something comes out. I have never had milk this sweet. It tastes like heaven. I ask if I can take the tit back to earth with me and the tit agrees. I get Kyllan and find the teleporter tit, touch it’s the nipple and we are back in the asylum.

“Kyllan”, I shout after noticing what he was up to, “stop suckling the tit. You will overwhelm the nipple and then I will be angry and when I get angry, I will kill you.” Kyllan steps away from the tit and we walk home feeling accomplished.

5 pregnant cats

I accidentally adopted five cats. I opened my door one afternoon after it had just stopped raining and the little shits were right there waiting to be rescued. My first thought was to kick them and watch them fly into the air then land on their feet but Kyllan stopped me. The rude twats were heavily pregnant and needed a place to stay for a while. They had all been kicked out of their home by their husband, a dog. This was bound to happen. Despite all my warning meows, they never listened. The dog fell in love with a bitch. The racist bitch wanted nothing to do with the Felidae family. The Canidae and Felidae families have been at war for a while. The dog had to oblige the bitch so she could stop backing. Now, these hormonal cats are planning their revenge with the help of Kyllan.

The death of the Teddy Bears

“Kyllan, all we have to do is kill all the teddy bears. They are really starting to be a thorn in my flesh. Come up with a plan to get to their fucking temple and obliterate the fucking dolls…..”

I was barely in the middle of my rant when the doorbell rang.

Kyllan walks to the door and opens it. Alas, look who it is. It is Experion, that little piece of shit. Wait a minute, why the fuck is Kyllan kissing her.

I can’t secretely watch this anymore. I have got to go and confront this head on. I walk straight to my door. Experion does not flinch after seeing me. Before I open my mouth to talk, she says, “I would like to defect.”

“Huh!! You have got to be kidding me. “ How the fuck am I going to deal with this.

“I got to show you something.” Kyllan says. Apparently, Kyllan and Experion got married yesterday. Since she fell in love with Kyllan, she had a change of heart and decide not to help the bears destroy humanity. I let Experion in and we walk to my lab. Kyllan sets up one of my machines and on the screen I can see the entrance to the teddy bear lair.

“Is this live?” I ask. “Yes it is.” says Experion. Suddenly, everything on screen blows up. While I am still trying to process what I just saw, I see Kyllan pouring acid on Experion.

“My queen, we have won the war against the teddy bears. Now to the legos.”

“Kyllan you sly twat, I had no idea I made you this good.” I think.

Professor Marbles

All I have to do is to survive until I am 130 so that I can regenerate into a young person. How hard can that be? 130 is so bloody old. By the time I get to 80, I will have no teeth and will be walking around with a walking stick. I don’t fucking want to reach that state. I gotta find a way out. One thing you may not know is that the government regulates the regeneration facilities. The 130 thing is just a rule. You can regenerate at whatever age you want. Unfortunately, the government owns the technology and nobody has been able to recreate it yet. The scientist responsible for its creation is somewhere breastfeeding. He keeps being regenerated into a toddler and that way he will not be able to give anyone his secret formula. This hiccup will not deter me from my quest. I am going to find this scientist and do everything I can get information from the old toddler.

Kyllan, pack my bags, we are going to Mars to find Professor Marbles. Professor Marbles lives in Mars with the other convicts. The earth became too populated and crimes increased. All the criminals were sent to mars without a leader. The professor is sent to earth once every two years so that they can be baby-fied. Meeting him on Mars is much better than waiting for him to show up.

Everything is ready and it is now time to leave. The journey is successful and I get to mars. As soon as I get out of my ship, two people with guns are waiting for me outside. They bind both my hand and take Kyllan’s chip form this neck. Shit! I feel fucked. “We shall now take you to our leader”, the arrester says. I follow him closely while enjoying the scenery around. These prisoners have really done some good things with the place. They even have a bouncing castle which is something that has been outlawed on earth. Humans would inflate their kids and bounce them on the castles. Some kids exploded. So, both kid inflation and bouncing castles were outlawed.

In about two minutes, we were at the Leader’s office. Some woman walks in carrying a six-month-old baby. The chubby baby opens its mouth to start speaking. It has teeth, the chubby thing has teeth.

“Hi, who are you and why are you here?”

Did the chubby thing just speak? I had to take a moment and normalize my breathing.

“We are looking for Professor Marbles. We would like the schematics for building the regenerator.” I said.

“I am Professor Marbles you dick. I cannot give you the schematics but I have another way of helping you. Head back to earth and visit the Earth house. Camp 50 metres outside the South Gate. When the lights go out, walk slowly towards the gate and start playing this tune. All the Earth house members have chips in them that will react to this particular tune by making them laugh. They will laugh till they die and the eventually evaporate into thin air. I will give you a passcode to get in after 20 minutes. Walk to the basement and find android replacements for everyone. I made then so I know they are perfect. Nobody will notice a thing. The human race is clearly getting more and more stupid. You will find the President’s schedule in the Round Office. You are to become the new leader until I come back in the next 18 months. While controlling the president, you can change the regeneration age to suit you. Now go back to Earth and take care of that planet for me.”

Before I could say anything, we had been teleported to 50 metres outside the South Gate of Earth house. Let’s fucking carry out a coup Kyllan. Fuck me!! Your chip is still in Mars.

A rant interrupted by Vivaldi

Vivaldi’s ‘The Four Seasons’ is breathtakingly beautiful to my ears today. I just can’t stop listening to it. I am in heaven. I am not sure which is better between this and an orgasm. It is an ear orgasm…if such a thing exists at all. This man Antonio Lucio Vivaldi is indeed a gift to my existence. He was actually an ordained priest but gave up celebrating mass because of a chronic ailment that is believed to have been bronchial asthma. Despite this circumstance, he took his status as a secular priest seriously and even earned the reputation of a religious bigot. Oh my dear Antonio Vivaldi, my kindred spirit.

Well, I came here to write about something else, not as interesting as Vivaldi but seeing as my sexy hot therapist is unavailable, I will rant here instead.

I have been very introverted since I was young. However, I started realizing it only when I was in my late twenties. I am still in my late twenties and very much enjoying learning about myself. A lot has changed since I started figuring out what I am. I have lost most of my extroverted friends. I have gained a few new introverted friends. Most of my friendships that were based on parties, alcohol and commonly outdoor activities are all dead. My extroverted friends are actually very mad at me because they think I do not respect their time given that I have constantly declined their party invitations. I could feel the subtext in their WhatsApp statuses about how I disrespect their time because I say “NO” more often than “YES”.

Let’s just say that I got tired. I got tired of pretending that I enjoy these parties. I got tired of shallow conversations. I got tired of being called weird by a bunch of complacent people, I got tired of being told that I am too quiet, I got tired of being forced to get out of the house to do shit that I do care about, I got tired of having personality arguments with people who fucking think they are superior because they talk a lot, I got tired of people who think I secretly need company because I am always walking alone so they accompany me thinking they are doing me a favor, I got tired of my mother not accepting me for who I am (she would have preferred an extroverted kid), I got tired of people thinking that their plans are better than mine, I got tired of people thinking my “NO” is because I do not know what I want, I got tired of repeating myself to people who do not fucking listen, I got tired of being forced to talk to people at parties, I got tired of being forced to got to dance floor, I got tired of men hitting on me because they think I am mysterious, I got tired of listening to people who constantly care about what society thinks, I got tired of bible thumping idiots who see me as the devil because I am not fucking religious and don’t believe in whatever god they believe in, i got tired of people constantly talking to me when I have my earphones on, I got tired of people constantly telling me their problems, me finding a solution for them and them appreciating my listening and then proceeding to not follow my advice and when the same shit happens again, they come crying saying that they should have listened to me, I got fucking tired of people mistaking my niceness for stupidity, I got fucking tired of people mistaking my smiling for friendship, I GOT FUCKING TIRED.

You aren’t entitled to anyone’s help

Disclaimer: I am not a religious person at all but I grew up in a religious family.

There is this collection of people that possess the characteristics of poor, Christian and African. I am yet to meet a group of people more entitled than this bunch. Not all of them though, just most of them. It drives me mad just listening to them talk. This is a group of people that quite often over-spiritualize everything. God is not going to fucking earn money for you.

“Look at him and his five cars yet he cannot give me even one thousand shillings.”

“He could pay my daughter’s fees and not feel any effect.”

“He can’t even help his own people.”

“His judgement is coming. God will fight for us this battle.” (How arrogant can you be to say this. To imagine you are qualified to decide people’s fates.)

“Aliye juu, mngojee chini.” -This basically refers to grace to grass kind of situation- (You might wait for the rest of your life for this to happen)

I got news for you mate, YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ENTITLED TO THE RICH MAN’S MONEY. THE RICH MAN OWES YOU NOTHING AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO HIM JUST BECAUSE HE DID NOT HELP YOU. In fact, he will keep making a lot more money without the knowledge of your existence while you keep complaining. Nothing bad will happen to him.

That money is his to do with it what he pleases. All these people do, is prattle all day long about these rich assholes and their hearts of stone and while they prattle, the rich man is working to make more money. You have no fucking idea what he has done to get where he is but you are quick to talk shit without any evidence most of the time. After prattling all day about the rich privileged people that won’t help them, they pray that same prayer asking God for a breakthrough then say “God will take away.” I got news for you dumbo, GOD ALREADY FUCKING MADE A WAY. You got a brain and working limbs. Get off your ass. I like to think that God has more on his plate than to worry about which hardworking humans with working brains and limbs will earn their deserved money so they can go and use some of it as handouts to lazy humans with working brains and limbs who spend the day bitching about the same people giving them handouts.

People will help you because they want to. If it’s not in God’s plan for this person to help you, you will never get that help however much you talk shit and quietly hope that God will punish them. You will talk shit all you want but never get that help. Here’s is an idea, USE YOUR HANDS, LEGS AND BRAIN AND GO GET A FUCKING JOB. Ask the rich man for a job instead of money, use that talent you know you have, plough that piece of land. Righteousness and poverty are not the same things and wealth do not signify a lack of righteousness. Heaven isn’t for poor people. Hell isn’t for rich people. Your wealth has nothing to do with where you end up if an afterlife exists at all.

You get angry when someone refuses to help. Why? You are not entitled to that help. Move on to the next person until you get the help you need. Most of the time, you don’t even need help. Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself. The sooner you make yourself acquainted with life’s fuckedupedness, the quicker it will be for you to get off your lazy sorry ass and do what needs to be done to make your life as comfortable as you can with or without the help of that rich person that you quietly resent.

Emotionally compromised

“I have none of the usual inducements that most women have to enter into the conjugal or connubial state. Was I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing! However, I have never been in love. It is neither my way nor my nature. Without love, I shall be a fool to change such a situation as mine. I believe few married women are half as much mistress of their lives, as I am of mine.” It was at that moment when I was toying with these alluring thoughts that he shows up in my life. He did not quite dispossess me of these thoughts, he, however, offered strong feelings of desire, a general want and longing in lieu of love.

Well informed, knowledgeable, in possession of an extensive vocabulary, strikingly impressive, elegantly proportioned, a face that is hard to miss, cultured and refined. He spoke with exquisite calmness, a pleasing young man undoubtedly. The overwhelmingly mind-blowing philosophical conversations make me hot for him. I look at him talking and my gaze is focused on his lips. They move with the quality of splendour and royalty. I wonder if I can separate those lips from him and keep them to myself and listen to them tell me about Socrates, Sartre, Plato, Aurelius….and the rest. How beautiful that would be. He is a magnificent collection of atoms. How can one so smart be equally beautiful? He does not falter. He oozes eloquence and radiates danger, the kind that borders on mischief. The kind of danger I run towards and not away from. I would let him have me whole.

Rat incubator.

“It’s not really a fly. If you swat it, they’ll just find you and send two more.”

I wish I knew that before I chose to land on this freak show of a planet. I just could not resist. It was so ethereal. Aside from Earth, it was the second most beautiful planet I had ever set my eyes upon. It was shiny, made of diamonds. I had to land for a bit and take in the scenery. Absolutely gorgeous.

After landing safely, I got out, scanned the air. It was safe to breathe so I removed my suit and decided to hang around naked with Kyllan serving me a drink. While I was enjoying my drink, a fly landed on my thigh, I swat it and with my huge hands. This was very disgusting. A few seconds later, there were two flies on my thighs. I swat them too. A few seconds later, there were four flies on my thighs. I swat the fucking flies like a boss. Mmm, where the fuck are these flies coming from? They kept increasing and increasing. In a minute, I had flown all over my body. It was quite uncomfortable considering they were right on my skin. I could feel their legs moving all over my body. What the hell was going on?

Kyllan was being quite useless. He pretty vexed that I came here against his counsel. The perverted robot was persistently gazing at me. What was he looking at that he hadn’t already seen??

“Dial down on the perversion your little piece of shit and then get these flies off my body.” I basically screamed at Kyllan. He got into the ship to get a swatter. He got back ready to start swatting when we heard someone shouting at us that we should stop.

Looking to see where the sound came from, I saw this very beautiful lady walking towards me. “Those are my flies and you are hurting them. You hurt them, you hurt me. Kindly stop.” The beautiful lady says. Kyllan puts the swatter down.

“Get me some clothes Kyllan?” I say.

“No need for that, I have seen everything I need to see. I am Shtooopf. What’s your name?” She asks.

“I am Girl,” I say.

Shtooopf shakes both my hands by squeezing them in between her gigantic palms.

I wake up with a devilish headache. With great effort, I struggle to raise my head just so I can look around. It feels like pigs are running around and crapping in my head. Where the fuck is Kyllan!! I am lying on my back and I can’t see anything in front of me. I also can’t raise myself. “KYLLAN” I try shouting but no voice comes out.

“You need to relax. A few minutes now and it will all be over. One more hour and the 36 hours will be over.”

I turn to my left to see who said those words. Jesus Christ! It’s a fucking rat. A rat is talking to me!! What’s going on!! Why are my legs being spread!! Why can’t I speak!! Holy shit! The mountain blocking my view is my stomach. Why is this rat telling me to breathe!! Why can’t I pass out!! I really want to pass out now and wake up in my ship without any recollection of this. What have they done to me!! A tear drops down my right eye to my temple than to the floor.

The size of my stomach seems to be reducing. After some time, my stomach is flat again. That lady… The beautiful lady, Shtooopf, I remember her clearly because all I wanted to do was bone her. She comes up to me and thanks me for saving a species. I don’t care what planet that was, those were rats, they looked like rats. Since when did rats have their own planet!! Are rats Aliens?? This is totally bonkers. I just have birth to a million rats on a diamond planet.

Those flies were basically implanting rat sperms in me. They call it pollination. They had to borrow my body because I was the only compatible fertile traveller that had passed by that planet in a long while. A natural disaster had turned all the existing rats sterile and they could not reproduce. Shtooopf was there as the nanny. She would take care of all the kids that I just birthed.

I just saved a species from extinction. That’s kind of dope. No more random stops though. I hope they took out all their rats.

“Please take me back to my ship and return my robot.” That was all I could say.