Therapy was so goooooood today

The first thing I told my absolutely beautiful therapist was that I got drunk on one and a half litres of wine on Saturday, and I picked up my phone and called my dad. I couldn’t wait to tell her I’d forgotten to say hi, and she had to remind me to sit down. I have been no contact with my dad for so long, along with the rest of my family, both nuclear and extended. He was so happy to hear from me and was excited that his daughter was doing well. I also asked him not to tell my mum that I was talking to him again. If anything good came out of the text my “best friend” sent to her boyfriend, it is the fact that I got drunk and wanted to talk to family, and my dad was the first person to come to mind, and the interaction ended up healing me in some way.

I actually love that man (my dad, I mean). I spent so much of my life hating him because of what my mother told me about him. All the evidence I had about the badness of my dad was my mum’s stories. Fuck my mum! She made me think my dad practised witchcraft and was responsible for any misfortune that befell our lovely family. I hope she is doing well; however, she can thrive and do well far, far away from me. The thought of her being part of my life makes my skin crawl.

My sister likely thinks I am suffering and broke, and this kind of makes me want to laugh. Why did she send my friend a message asking whether I can pay my rent, and also asking for a picture of me? Lol! I sent her an email asking her to stop texting my friends and to leave me alone until I am ready to talk to her. This was my message:

I just want to be left alone. So, maybe respect that boundary until I am ready to speak to you and stop bothering my friends.

This was her response:

Ok. If you get stuck, call on the name of Jesus. I will respect your boundary and leave you in the hands of Jesus.

I cackled because all I could think of was me getting into trouble and shouting “JESUS”. As if something will happen after I do that. Perhaps, a human named Jesus might show up, but I doubt he will be the son of god that was crucified at Golgotha and resurrected after three days just for him to go back to heaven and leave the same shitty world behind. Fuck him! Imagine if I shouted “JESUS” and then some random dude named “JESUS” showed up in my living room and asked me “What is it you need my darling?” I answer, “I would like to exist in a non-corporeal and invisible state.” He then gives me the power and I live happily ever after being a menace to society.

Aaaah! I was actually supposed to be talking about therapy. I did a test for ADHD. I hope I will pass. I am also learning about boundaries, and my therapist suggested that I should stop smiling while setting boundaries because that is probably why people are not taking them seriously.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a week as lovely as mine.

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Prompesity to murder and other thoughts

My propensity to murder is a lot higher than usual today. I want to do to a few people what Thanos did to Loki in the first few minutes of Avengers: Infinity War. Why the fuck was the admin person asking me to do something that I had already done? I sent her the link with the information she needed exactly how she needed it. She did not open the link I sent her and assumed that I had half-arsed my task. Fuck her!!!

I also had therapy today. I talked to my therapist about my feelings towards my friend after I saw the text she sent to her boyfriend. She asked him to hurry up and come save her from my yapping. She was the only person in my life that I could still yap to. Now that I understand how she feels about my yapping, I won’t yap with anyone else any more. I’ll only share my thoughts with my therapist and my readers.

My workshop in Europe was the first time I felt mentally engaged in a long while. I was in a room with people that have doctorates in their fields and I have an undergraduate. For the first time in ages, I was with people smarter than me. This time, I didn’t feel the need to teach. Instead, I was the one learning. Oh, how I miss that feeling.

It’s 9 pm and I just got into bed. I haven’t recovered completely from my trip, so I want to sleep for a minimum of 8 hours. I need to go to the office tomorrow and act professionally. I might return here tomorrow. This is now my only way to clear my mind of troubling thoughts.

I changed my blog’s name yesterday. My sister, whom I cut off along with the rest of my family, might have found it. They were all really terrible. She keeps sending me emails about how she loves me and misses me. I read them, and however much I try to care, I find myself not giving a fuck. The thought of having her and my mum back in my life always gives me an anxiety attack. So, for the moment, I have declared them persona non grata from my wonderful life.

Cheers and see you tomorrow (maybe).

Just a ramble

I guess I stopped counting the days since you left. It hasn’t helped because I can’t forget the exact date. I know you are coming back, you promised to come back and you had better keep that promise. I want to know that you are okay. I want to stare at your face for no reason. I want to catch you staring at mine for no good reason. I want to have philosophical conversations and arguments with you. I want to sit in the kitchen with you as you cook, I promise not to be a distraction. I want you to run your fingers down my temple to my cheeks in the mornings. I want you to hug me for as long as possible because I had a tough day and then listen to me while I ramble on about the tough day.

It’s been particularly hard these past few weeks. I got a message from my therapist. He was saying hi. I thought I could mention something then but turns out he wanted to sell me insurance. I never kept up the conversation after I mentioned not needing insurance. My mum was strangled a week ago by my cousin who is still at large. Don’t worry, she is alive. I am not sure about her mental state though. Nobody gave me this information until 72 hours after it happened. I am the fragile lastborn who needs protection from bad news. All I wanted to do after getting the information was to call you and talk without pretending to be strong. Cry to you instead of alone. I wrote a letter but ended up crying so much on it that the ink ran too much and the writings are no longer legible. I also would not know where to send it.

I recently bought a human-sized teddy bear so I can have something to cuddle and talk to. I moved to a smaller place so the house feels a lot less empty. I’ll try not to lose my mind.

Time to chat with my demons

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So, I feel like drowning myself in water. Not deep water, shallow water. I love being underwater. Shit looks so cool under here.” I wanna drown just a little. I do not want to die. I like to think that the universe still needs me alive. I just want to feel something to remind my self of my humanity. Just getting naked and pretending to drown me in water. I always feel some kind of freedom in nudity. Skinny dip underwater a little hoping that my neighbors are not at home.

I need a different environment from the real world. My reality is quickly metamorphosing into a figment of my imagination. Perhaps I’ll see things clearly if I get to that point of near death and have my life flash right before my eyes. I wonder what it is that I will see when this happens. This crappy feeling I have is driving me crazier than I am used to. I feel nothing at all and this worries me as I could be turning into a psychopath. I am finding it really hard to handle this madness. Cutting myself has not been working so far. I need something bordering on the extreme. I am kinda always crazy, it just never gets to this point. I might need a psychiatrist. This is a point where I drink the whole day and watch the extremely violent action and horror movies… I myself even know that I need help as soon as possible. Action movies are the most awesome part. The movies are even cooler to watch when I am high. I question whether it is the alcohol that is making me inebriated. It is definitely the alcohol though because I am fucking indifferent to everything else.

My life is just sad. “Do you want a drink? You can join me. I could really use a buddy right now even though I feel like I do not need one. I am starting to be a hazard to myself” Let’s go crazy together. The reason for going crazy…… I ain’t really sure. “Not sure?” “Yes yes yes.” I lack words to explain. I have no clue how I got to this point. I have this feeling. Crappy it is. I kinda like it. It’s a new one, I have never felt this one. I want it to go. I miss the normal me.

I actually regret visiting that last therapist I had. I now remember. Everything began going downhill after I visited her. I did exactly what she told me and one month later, this is me, about to drown myself. I thought to talk to a stranger who knew nothing about me would help but it just made things worse.

I should in back to handling my shit and fixing things. It works for me. It mostly involves self-destruction which is just as bad as that therapist. I wish I had everything in my life figured out. My demons just love me too much. They do not want to go away. Every once in a while I make love to my demons which are exactly what I should do.

Pretending to be okay is having a debilitating effect on me. Fuck this…… I will just walk to a random citizen and go like, “The smile on my face doesn’t mean am happy, it just means I’m way too drunk to change my expression and I would like you to slap me back to reality.”